K-Pop Idol Reveals Intense Mental Health Struggle That Made Him Ram Himself Into A Mirror

In the latest episode of CBS‘s YouTube channel show, Tony An, a member of the OG K-Pop group H.O.T., revealed the intense mental health struggle that came after his huge success as an idol and as an entrepreneur.

H.O.T. member Tony An | @tntonyan/Instagram

Looking back at his time as H.O.T., Tony commented that he “lacked self-esteem.” He opened up about his feelings of inferiority.

Tony An during H.O.T.’s “Candy” era. | tonyanlove.com

Throughout my time as an idol, I always lacked self-esteem. I thought to myself, ‘I’m actually not good enough, but I was fortunate enough to be signed to a good agency and teamed up with good members.’ I thought that was the only reason why things worked out for me the way they did. I believed I had no real talent of my own, and I was afraid to do anything by myself because I feared failure.

— Tony An

Such feelings led him to venture into the business world. Around 2005, when he was in his mid-20s, he founded School Looks, a school uniform brand. At first, according to Tony, he tasted great success. But it was with the “unimaginable amount of money” that his long battle with depression and other mental health struggles began.

CEO Tony An (center left) with the very first School Looks models, Jang Geun Seok (far left), Girls’ Generation’s Sooyoung (center right), and Yoo Ah In (far right). | School Looks

I didn’t feel like I would make it all that long as a celebrity, and so I wanted to try something different. Since I’m good at communicating and building relationships, I decided to go into business. At the time, I ran two businesses—one in school uniforms and the other in entertainment—and they were very successful. I earned an unimaginable amount of money, and everything seemed perfect. I thought, ‘Now, I’ll finally be recognized.’ But that’s when my life started to fall apart.

— Tony An

Feeling “lonely” for an inexplicable reason, Tony started spiraling. He admitted to having isolated himself—despite the loneliness—and that it took a toll on his physical well-being, too.

It’s hard to explain exactly why, but I think I felt lonely despite having everything. Even when I met up with my closets friends, they saw me as someone thriving in life… I felt like I couldn’t talk to them about my own problems. Eventually, I stopped hanging out with anyone altogether. I began isolating myself behind walls I built around me. At some point, I started experiencing unbearable headaches. I took up to eight painkillers a day, but the pain wouldn’t go away. That’s when someone suggested I visit a psychiatrist, so I went for the first time and was diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder, social anxiety, and five other conditions. I was prescribed a lot of medication. The headaches disappeared after I started taking the medication, but I became lethargic.

I worked, but I couldn’t get myself off the couch a lot of the times. No good thoughts came to mind. Just the bad ones. I kept asking, ‘What’s the meaning of life?’ and I eventually started thinking about death. At that time, I lived in a high rise, and I often went out to the balcony, looking down and imagining a lot.

— Tony An

But it was when Tony turned to alcohol that things truly got out of hand. As he began mixing his medication with alcohol, he found himself in the most terrifying situations.

I started taking the meds with drinks. One time, as I was waking up, I felt something wet on me. Just out of instinct, I checked my wrists, and they were fine. But then when I checked my bed, I saw a lot of blood. I had no memory of what had happened. On the way out of my bedroom to the living room, there was a mirror. I looked in it and saw that my hair was gone. When I looked around, I found chunks of hair all over the floor and a pair of scissors, too. I had cut all my hair off, and I had accidentally snipped my ear, too.

Then, I got a call from the building security. He was worried, asking if I was OK. When I asked what happened, he said that I had broken the mirror in the elevator by ramming my head into it. He found the broken mirror and watched the CCTV to find me banging my head against it. He wanted to know if I was hurt. That’s when I realized I also had a wound on my forehead, too.

— Tony An

The shock was enough to make Tony see that he needs to focus on recovering, but it was a gift from a fan that actually turned things around for him. He claimed that, after reading through the Christian book, he found hope again after three years of debilitating battle with his mental health conditions.

He then enlisted in the army, in 2008, to complete his military duty. It was in the routine and regular days of service that he was able to get his life back on track.

Tony An being discharged from the military in 2010. | SPN

Tony has since returned to the entertainment business. He continues to host SBS‘s TV Animal Farm on the weekends. He also founded “Stage 631” dance school (now “Red Stage” ), which he runs alongside choreographer Bae Yoon Jung.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or has had self-harming thoughts, do not hesitate to reach out to your local confidential support for people in distress or to call the Lifeline. The Lifeline provides free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals. If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s # is 988, OR you can call 1-800-273-8255. Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting HOME to 741741 (US), 686868 (Canada), or 85258 (UK).